| |
| Author |
Message |
| menace64 |
 Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 4:43 am |
|
|
|
Joined: 12 Apr 2006
Posts: 836
Location: Wichita, Kansas
|
It’s between the hours of 3am and 4am - the hour I’ve set aside for myself and my thoughts. And tonight (well, most nights) my thoughts are repetitions of the nights before.
I am at odds with the world’s demands of me and what I feel is my purpose in life.
I think most of you know me pretty well by now, either through my infrequent threads about the goings-on in my life or through how I generally reply to other posts. I consider myself well-rounded spiritually and emotionally; I tend to think things through carefully before rushing into something new.
But I’ve been facing a progressive thought since I came back from the Air Force last October (has it already been over six months?). I have spent a lot of time really getting into the dirt and grime of what’s driving me to do the things I am currently doing: shunning my friends, spending more time alone, and focusing on my writing whenever I can.
I have found two conclusions. First, that I am waiting to be older so that my age might finally match my "maturity"; and, second, that I’m slowly preparing to leave Wichita (the hometown) again.
Throughout my life, the only constant has been my love of writing. I’ve skipped from fleeting interest to fleeting interest, never quite attaching to something the way I have to writing. I mean, honestly, I’ve dropped out of college twice because secondary eduction not only interfered with my writing now, but it surely would down the road. I’ve been a guitarist (both 6-string and bass), I’ve been a drummer, I played trumpet for years, I’ve been an actor. I’m not even 20 yet, and I think I’ve experienced a lot of traumatic, real ’life-or-death’ kinds of stuff.
But all those things came and went. Even now, I’m writing.
I’ve wandered through so many petty jobs, looking only for something to give me the scant ’necessary’ money I need to eat. But I’ve finally found a job that gives me a sense of peace... working part-time at a local private school as an ’after-school minder’ (a title I invented for myself). For like five hours a day and at horrible pay, I get to interact with 3-6 year olds. I love kids (platonic, you sickos) and I’ve been told that I’m very good with kids, so this job fits me pretty well. Plus, since it’s part-time, I have enough time to work on my writing every single day.
But this job creates a major problem for me. Since writing is a slow craft, I don’t have a hope in the world to be published for a number of years. I am so deliberate with my writing that everything in a story has to be fully-developed; every character must have a birth-to-grave backstory written in advance. Every street must be named. Every general store must be given business hours. You get the picture. I can only write in a three-dimensional world.
So, for every page of actual story, I’ve usually got 30 pages or so of scribblings of useless details I can use to enrich anything I feel the need to enrich.
Anyways, I’m getting off-topic.
The problem, short and sweet: If I stay at the private school, I’ll have to get a second job which will put a stint in my writing and make me too tired to do well at the school. If I quit at the private school and find a job that can keep me afloat, I feel that I will be too unhappy to write at all.
My mom has encouraged me to start with a basic job search. I’m going to try looking into one perspective job per week. It is our hope that I can find something that keeps me on my feet (or on the road) and constantly interacting/helping people. I am not designed for cubicles. I tend to start fires. 
Like I said, I need several years of ’wide berth’ in order to work on my books until I feel I can make that my life. But I’m afraid that any choice I make will be the wrong one. And I am so attached to the children I work with that the last thing I want to do is walk away from them.
I hope this doesn’t come off as if I’ve already made a decision as to what I should be doing, because honestly I have no idea what to do. I am not cut out for college (because I am arrogant and think I do not require more schooling to feel ’educated’). I can’t stand the idea of a career.
lol. My mom put my current situation into pretty good words tonight. "Mark," she said. "You’re not like most people your age. You’ve been through things that most people will never even imagine. You’re nineteen. Because of your age, you are awkward. You’re still adjusting to ’adult life’, even if you feel ready to face the world. It will take a few more years for you to really find a place where you feel comfortable."
(Obviously paraphrased).
I dunno what I’m asking of y’all. Just shout some stuff at me that loosely pertains to any of this and I’ll thank you kindly. Maybe just knowing that I’m not really alone as I work impatiently through these ’awkward’ years will help. |
Riddle 9
When I came to Abraham I let him live just a moment longer. When I came to Moses I saved his life more than once. But the salmon... I regret to say I had a hand in its death.
Who am I? |
|
| Back to top |
|
| gil-estel |
| Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 5:04 am |
|
|
|
Joined: 25 Apr 2007
Posts: 545
Location: Groningen, the Netherlands
|
First of all: even at age 19, there is room for more development. Why do I say so? Because I went through something simulair.
Actually, first of all: don’t be offended by my language, as a writer you highly treasure language, and I’m kinda bound to the limits of knowledge of English, for it is not my natural language....... 
To continue my first, actual second point, it is, in my opinion, not unique to have come to the conclusion that you have reached a certain point of maturity allready, and that you indeed are waiting for age to fetch up with you. If you’re older, probably you’ll look back at this phase and say: why? I’m 25, and when I was your age (not stating that I’ve reached full maturity yet  ) I found myself in the same situation. I said things then, which I fully supported, of which I shrugg my shoulders now. But that’s ok, because one who never changes opinion, has never learned, again, in my opinion.
As for your problem, I’m feeling you. The only thing I can say is: follow your heart. Dr King said it once: Real tragic isn’t in dying young, but reaching the age of 75 and never really have lived! You can regret things you’ve done, that would be wise, but please never regret things you wanted to have done! Don’t live up to the expectation of others, just follow your own.....
I know that it is easy for me such things, for I am not in your situation, still I fully support the things I’ve said!
Have a good one Mark! |
My trading list
My main wants
My refs |
|
| Back to top |
|
| AgentDrake |
| Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 1:56 pm |
|
|
|
Joined: 01 Apr 2007
Posts: 667
Location: Halfway between eccentric and insane...
|
A word of advice: no author ever feels like their work is finished.
So don’t wait until it’s perfected; it will never be.
Given that, don’t go trying to rush into publication either.....
Okay. Um. I’m having trouble, ’cause two different colleges are scrapping over which one I should go to. I like them both, but each one has huge advantages over the other.... Anyway, the moral of the story there, without boring you with the whole story is that "If you don’t know where you’re going, ANY train will get you there." At some point, any option is better than trying to decide for the rest of forever. |
| Never kid about politicians. The more bizarre the joke, the more likely it is to come true. |
|
| Back to top |
|
| MR. Lurtzy |
| Posted: Tue Apr 08, 2008 11:12 pm |
|
|
|
Joined: 30 May 2007
Posts: 423
Location: Living with the Governator
|
| I personally think that if you think you’re educated enough, then you don’t need to be in a private school. I recommend a "real" job. I know you like kids and all, but since the pay is "horrible", I say that you should try to get a better job for the time being. Not sure about your other interests, but having a good paying job that you like (or at least good enough to get you by) is essential. |
'On and on old war shall go,
Without respite my blood will flow
O’er your eyes ‘til they cannot see
The impossibility of victory.'
MR. Lurtzy's Have/Wants |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
All times are UTC - 4
|
|
Forum index » General Discussion » Members' Lounge