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| macheteman |
 Posted: Tue Oct 16, 2007 8:37 pm |
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Joined: 07 Dec 2006
Posts: 1200
Location: The Jungle
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ok, i’ve finally read the backround you gave and it made things clearer, and more interesting. it sounds like your story is more that just: remnants of the human race fight for survival against aliens. (10 words btw...) it seems like your story has more depth. be careful not to make it cliche.
and i know what you mean about encouragement. i stopped writing one of my books because i didn’t have encouragement, and i am writing another one, which i wouldn’t be if my friend stopped encouraging me.
anyways, i’ll keep reading!
(btw, what ever happened to The Darkest Dystopia?)
-mm |
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| menace64 |
| Posted: Tue Oct 16, 2007 8:45 pm |
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Joined: 12 Apr 2006
Posts: 836
Location: Wichita, Kansas
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macheteman wrote:
(btw, what ever happened to The Darkest Dystopia?)
Oh, nothing. I’ve written out a few scenes, but that one’s still a bit over my head. In fact, that book is the primary reason I went into the military. I wanted to see some new things to add a bit of zest to the story, and to help me write what I already know about it. |
Riddle 9
When I came to Abraham I let him live just a moment longer. When I came to Moses I saved his life more than once. But the salmon... I regret to say I had a hand in its death.
Who am I? |
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| Turin06 |
| Posted: Wed Oct 17, 2007 9:59 am |
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Joined: 24 Oct 2006
Posts: 197
Location: Good Question
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| Looks very cool so far. |
Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow |
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| Celebrimbor |
| Posted: Wed Oct 17, 2007 3:40 pm |
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Joined: 12 Sep 2006
Posts: 953
Location: UNKNOWN
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Looks cool, the plot is interesting.
So I assume the humans are "the good guys", right?  |
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| menace64 |
| Posted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 2:07 am |
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Joined: 12 Apr 2006
Posts: 836
Location: Wichita, Kansas
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Long overdue, here’s the next little bit! Enjoy!
Letty wondered where Lucian had drifted off to. Again.
She sat, abandoned, in the hospital room, staring tiredly at the young girl lying in the bed across from her. There was little doubt in Letty’s mind that the girl was unique…
Unique? Letty interrupted herself. More like unbelievable.
Even now, unconscious, the girl put Letty off. The girl downright frightened her. Everything about her was wrong, unnatural - the quick rise-and-fall of her abdomen as she breathed, the racing pitter-patter of her heartbeat, the darting eyes hidden underneath glossy lids. Even to a person who hadn’t spent hours watching the girl, as Letty had, the girl appeared mostly normal, but still resonated an oddness that escaped explanation.
It had taken Letty several days to really figure out what bothered her about the girl. “Everything she does is too damned fast,” she would say to herself during the long, lonely nights. The medical staff agreed with her assessment of the girl, but others – especially those who hadn’t been there for the girl’s arrival on Crescent – tended to dismiss the oddness by way of their own ignorance.
“She just has shallow breath,” they’d said. “Her heart just beats fast is all.”
By now, though, Letty knew better. Looking down at her hands clasped together in her lap, she could recall what it felt like the first time she’d tried getting the girl’s pulse. She would never forget the feeling – each beat almost overlapping the one before, each beat entangling in another to create a solid tone in which nothing save a computer could tell apart. That was nearly two months ago, Letty realized with surprise, and quite a lot had changed. The girl’s pace had slowed down considerably – her heartbeat could be measured with normal instruments at last – but the abnormal speed remained.
Any day now, Letty expected to see the girl wake up. Any day.
In the meantime, Letty had hoped to see more of Lucian. At the very least, she expected Lucian to stay nearby the hospital when he wasn’t flying patrol. But, with the exception to the first day of the girl’s stay at the hospital, Lucian had been… sporadic. Letty figured Lucian had more business in the girl’s room than she did – than anyone did. But he had disappeared.
Letty crossed herself. “I’m sorry,” she apologized to Lucian, heedless to the fact that he was not with her. “I’m being selfish.” Letty cupped her face in her hands, weeping softly to herself as grief passed before her mind. Lucian had been through so much, she knew, that to expect him to sit in a hospital for a day that may never come was, well, cruel. He needed time to get back on his feet. She whispered a prayer on Lucian’s behalf, asking for God’s protection and pity.
“Please be with him, Lord. If I thought I had it bad, he must feel horrible.”
Letty’s thoughts trailed off, her prayer for her friend tapered by silence. Friend? Were they even friends anymore? She was no longer sure if what they still had could be called a relationship; she wasn’t even sure what a relationship was. She’d spent so much time during the lull in activity after the girl’s arrival that little else concerned her, and her social life had paid for it.
In the lingering quiet of the otherwise empty hospital room, the sounds of the girl’s rapid breathing dominated all other noises. It could barely be heard – Letty shuffling her shoes in front of her would drown it out – but its unnatural speed lent it focus to those who thought to listen.
Letty started. She stood from her chair, anxious and unsure. Is she breathing… slower? Letty could recall the girl’s “normal” breathing, and after a moment of tense listening, her jaw nearly dropped.
“She’s… she’s… breathing normal!” Letty rushed from the hospital room into the adjoining hallway, looking for a familiar doctor or nurse. She grabbed the first nurse she saw by the arms and exclaimed, “I think she’s going to wake up!”
“Ma’am, you have to let me go,” the nurse replied, trying to keep herself and Letty calm. “Who are you talking about?”
Letty lowered her arms, but the wild look in her eyes remained. “The little girl, the strange one, the one without a name.” The nurse’s face betrayed none of her thoughts.
“Stupid. Follow me.” Letty grabbed the nurse again and pulled her to the girl’s room.
The nurse was in the middle of protesting her rights when they entered the room. Then it was the nurse’s turn to be without words.
Sitting at the foot of the bed, her pale, speedy legs swinging over the edge, sat the girl. The girl who, through mysterious circumstances, had fallen into a two-month long coma, and had managed to baffle every medical scientist on Crescent since.
Letty was shocked. The nurse was stunned. They were paralyzed.
The girl stared at them, a puzzled expression frozen to her ageless face. She was the first to break the silence. She began to speak. Her language was the same as Letty’s – Letty later wondered why she had assumed it would be different – but it was greatly accelerated. Everything the girl said raced from her lips, nearly outrunning the sounds they made. Letty’s ears, and anyone else’s who listened to her, had to strain their ears to keep up.
“My name is Reeder Feight,” she said in a crisp, almost falsetto voice. She had to repeat herself several times before Letty understood that she wasn’t speaking gibberish. She was just speaking fast. The nurse ran from the room, looking for the girl’s doctor.
“Hello, Reeder,” Letty stammered. “My name is Letty. Letty Herlam.”
Then, both asked, at the same time, the question foremost on their minds.
“Where am I?” Reeder asked.
“Where are you from?” Letty asked.
Neither knew how to best answer the other’s question. Letty didn’t have an answer prepared for the girl, and the girl in turn was suddenly too frightened to answer anything.
An empty, fearful look crept over her face. Her eyes began to swell. “Where am I?” she repeated, growing more desperate. Letty noticed the girl’s body start to tense. Reeder dropped from the end of the bed, landing silently on her tiny feet. She stared warily right into Letty’s eyes.
“I… well,” Letty said. “Have you ever heard of Crescent?”
An uneasy moment flashed by. Reeder panicked, screamed, and – literally before Letty could react – she was out the door. Letty didn’t even see Reeder take off. She was just, simply, gone.
Letty rushed out into the hall in pursuit, checking left and right. But Reeder was nowhere to be seen. She felt compelled to go left, her instincts telling her that would be the way Reeder would flee. She took off in that direction.
More than anything, Letty repeated to herself, she hated following her instincts, her gut, her feelings. They’d often failed her in the past and she’d long ago ceased to trust them. But she still followed them blindly every time.
Down the hall she went, with each step surer that she had been mistaken. What if she went the other way? What if she gets hurt because of me?
Rounding a corner into another vacant hallway – again out of instinct – Letty came to a sudden stop. There, almost face-to-face, was a very familiar face.
Lucian stood before her, a puzzled look slapped across him. The entire business of Reeder was momentarily forgotten. Lucian was here. But something looked wrong. Very wrong.
Wrapped around Lucian’s leg, like the scared child latched to its parent, was Reeder. Tears stained her face and her eyes were locked shut, and she was breathing faster than ever.
Lucian smiled at Letty. “I guess you finally got her to wake up.” |
Riddle 9
When I came to Abraham I let him live just a moment longer. When I came to Moses I saved his life more than once. But the salmon... I regret to say I had a hand in its death.
Who am I? |
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| NBarden |
| Posted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 3:50 pm |
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Joined: 28 Dec 2006
Posts: 5468
Location: I don't know...
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Interesting. I like it, but it needs some introduction for the paragraphs. Like, just somewhere in there, add, "Letty was....<description here>," where it seems to fit. Same with Lucian. Reeder is described best, but it still needs maybe hair color, body build, or something like that. So we have a feel for who the characters are.
Also, is Lucian a depressed, out of place guy like the last portion, or a cheerful, joking kinda guy? Or is he manufacturing a fake appearance on the outside, in which case you may hint to it in HIS intro, by something like "at first glance, he looked like an ordinary, happy-go-lucky kind of guy, but underneath his good looks and cheerful countenance, was a life of turmoil."
Something like that.
Other than that, the plot has me. I’m definitely going to be following this. |
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| menace64 |
| Posted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 4:42 pm |
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Joined: 12 Apr 2006
Posts: 836
Location: Wichita, Kansas
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NBarden wrote: Interesting. I like it, but it needs some introduction for the paragraphs. Like, just somewhere in there, add, "Letty was....<description here>," where it seems to fit.
I’ll make sure to plug those in. You’re right. Those are really easy ways to help connect the reader!
NBarden wrote: Same with Lucian. Reeder is described best, but it still needs maybe hair color, body build, or something like that. So we have a feel for who the characters are.
In all the stories I’ve written, I normally leave out a lot of details of what the characters look like. I bring parts of them forward, commonly the eyes, but I personally never pay attention to the specifics of physical character description when I read. I’ve always got them made up from my own thoughts. I dunno. I’ll try to get a little bit more in there, though.
NBarden wrote: Also, is Lucian a depressed, out of place guy like the last portion, or a cheerful, joking kinda guy? Or is he manufacturing a fake appearance on the outside, in which case you may hint to it in HIS intro, by something like "at first glance, he looked like an ordinary, happy-go-lucky kind of guy, but underneath his good looks and cheerful countenance, was a life of turmoil."
Lucian is complicated, but not in a way he’d ever admit or imagine. He’s been swept up into something that’s far beyond his reckoning, and he knows it. He’s troubled by the events of his recent past (most of them attributed to Reeder, among other things that’ll get brought up), but through it all there’s a very real simplicity and care inside that does come out at times. But a lot of it is faking. But, like character description, I prefer leaving some of those things in the air - at least for now - so it gives the reader something to wonder about. If I spill all the beans now what’s the point of continuing? 
NBarden wrote: Other than that, the plot has me. I’m definitely going to be following this.
Thanks so much! It’s comments like these that really keep me motivated. I’ve already got the next little section written, but let me get a little further along before posting it. |
Riddle 9
When I came to Abraham I let him live just a moment longer. When I came to Moses I saved his life more than once. But the salmon... I regret to say I had a hand in its death.
Who am I? |
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| NBarden |
| Posted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 4:54 pm |
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Joined: 28 Dec 2006
Posts: 5468
Location: I don't know...
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I see your point, but also, if a reader has no clue who he’s reading about, why continue?
I’m not saying spill all his secrets, but give us a feel for who he is. In the two sections, I saw contradicting personalities, and that would leave someone going, "huh?" Explain to me in at least a very basic, rudimentary way why we see to completely different personalities. Is he schizophrenic?  |
-Trade With Me
Add the popcorn smiley to your sig, help it achieve world domination.
What if the hokey pokey really IS what its all about?
As I lay in bed staring at the stars last night, I thought to myself, "where the heck is the ceiling?"
Spotlight on....Sense of Obligation. |
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| macheteman |
| Posted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 9:04 pm |
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Joined: 07 Dec 2006
Posts: 1200
Location: The Jungle
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that definitely salts the oats. interesting, very interesting.
careful with Letty, she can become whatever you want her to be. but remember, you will be responsible for who she becomes. |
Check out my best article The Utterly Corrupt Corruption,
If at first you don't succeed...Sky-diving isn't for you.
"Combat is dangerous. It tends to interupt your breathing process."
ROLF!!! |
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| AgentDrake |
| Posted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 11:07 pm |
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Joined: 01 Apr 2007
Posts: 667
Location: Halfway between eccentric and insane...
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Just read it. Very interesting.
Alright, I know what NBarden said, but I have to disagree. I copied it into MSWord and did a wordcount. You’ve got ~8 pages (average 250 words a page in a novel.) Take it a little slower. Things seem to develop slow just because you’re putting it here as a serial. Just a little bit more superficial description would be nice, but I’d really suggest that you leave out the "character insights" and let them develop later.
And the backstory looks very promising....
Keep it up! |
| Never kid about politicians. The more bizarre the joke, the more likely it is to come true. |
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